Wake Up With Marci

Welcome to Wake Up with Marcy, a deep dive into self-discovery. I’m your host, Marcy Hopkins, and this is the space where we get real about life, transformation, and finding our true selves. Welcome back to Wake Up with Marcy, where real conversations spark real transformation. And I’m your host, Marcy Hopkins. And this show is a deep dive into self-discovery because healing begins when we wake up to the truth of who we really are. And today’s episode is raw, honest, and so important. We’re talking about what happens when trauma goes unhealed. How it can lead to negative coping like addiction, codependency, or emotional isolation. and what it’s like to lose yourself in a narcissistic relationship. If you’ve ever felt unseen, unheard, manipulated, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, this conversation is for you. My guest, Aada Atsberger, is a three-time best-selling author, trauma survivor, addiction recovery expert, and the creator of the 12 steps for narcissistic abuse recovery. She’s lived this journey and now helps others break free from toxic cycles and reclaim their voice. If you’re searching for clarity, healing, or a way out, then stay with us. It’s time to dive in. Welcome to the show, Aada. Thank you so much, Marcy, for having me. Thank you. Yeah, it’s amazing to have you.

So, you have lived through so much and now you’re giving back, but tell us what did addiction look like in your life and what was the breaking point for you that changed everything? Thank you, Marcy. I I’m going to go back to the last drink and drug and yeah, addicted to four to five substances, meth, pills, alcohol, marijuana with a narcissistic boyfriend. It it eventually hit the end of that cycle when he broke a beer bottle in my face. God. And like windshield wipers wiping off the blood off my face, I thought, “How did I get here on the streets in and out of jail, hotel rooms with this abusive man addicted to him and the drugs? Yeah, it was too much. I I couldn’t even think about what to undo first. Everything was glaring. Everything was uprooted, the internal pain. And I I remember just getting a glimpse of my inner pain and saying, “I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know what to do.” Yeah. What did you do? I I I God led me to a place called Casa Delero, which was 23 years ago, which back then insurancees did not categorize alcoholism and addiction as as a diagnosis that insurance would pay. So I found a free place and I got away from family, streets, him and lived there for 90 days with other addicts trying to get sober. That’s what I did. Yeah. And at that time, it’s just crazy. We’ve come so far when it comes to uh mental health and addiction and the help that’s available. Thank God. But did you have a lot of abuse or trauma growing up? Yes, I did. I grew up I’m a Persian woman. And I was born in Iran to two Persian parents. And I was born into the revolution. I I was born into a war zone. Literally outside Marcy. I could hear the riots and the screaming. Oh my god. And the yelling. I could hear it. And my mom was like, “It’s a party. Just relax.” But she was trying to not have me, you know, I was only like five years old. Just Yes. Absolutely. She was protecting you. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Mhm. And raised by a narcissistic father and culture. Yeah. I was This was my familiar. This was my relational template. This is what I was attracted to. This is what I went to.

Now, you went obvious I I get that as far as like going into difficult bad relationships, not knowing how to be treated in a way that you should be treated. I too did the same. Um, uh, had a difficult upbringing and I had a lot of difficulty in relationships and knowing what good behavior was like. For me, it was just like as long as someone was validating me and love me or I thought love me, I I somehow was validated really. And that right? So it it it and you’re not really being loved. You’re being used and being harmed, but it was better than nothing. It was better than being alone because I didn’t know how to be alone. So when did you start with the negative coping? And and there was also other abuse that you endured growing up. Yes. Yeah. So like I had sexual abuse. I had abandonment. Right. And so here here we are these young girls and and I and I I feel like like I lost that little girl. I just became like a shell of a person just surviving. Right. Would you say you were doing the same? And then and that’s when I found alcohol. Absolutely. same. Absolutely. I resonate and relate to your story. That is still the thing, Marci, that I have to really work on is validating myself because I was groomed for um others focused, not Yeah. focused. Yeah. Others focused. If you like me and if you approve of me, then I must be doing something right. But then when you walk away, right? Yeah. You’re like a chameleon. Like whatever you want me to be. Like I I just whatever you like. I don’t even know what I like. So yeah. Yeah. Just I’ll I’ll be doing it right. But then because follow me and I hope your listeners hear this. This is so it still rings in my ear and I heard this just last week. When I build my home in someone else and they walk away, they leave me homeless. Oh my god, that’s powerful. I just said this on on a podcast last week and I can’t stop thinking about it. That really hits home. that that’s like that’s a great analogy of that, right? Absolutely. Yeah.

So, so let’s talk about when you started escaping, right? Like so you we’re not we’re not facing the real problem, right? We don’t even know. We just start coping. So, when did you start really escaping yourself with drugs and alcohol? High school. I was drinking whiskey before 8 am class before my English teachers my English class I was drinking whiskey and if I couldn’t get whiskey I was getting cough medicine Robbites. Oh and are you in the United States at that time? Yes. Yes. We moved when I was about six and a half years old. So Okay. Yeah. I started I was being bullied in high school by a girl big time and I was drinking and I was oh my god I don’t know if you ever had this experience but we were also doing um huffing huffing where where you are inhaling paint or liquid paper for Okay, I’ve heard about that. Absolutely. I’ve heard about I don’t I thought it was I don’t I may have heard it by a different name but Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that’s what we were doing. That’s what I was doing in high school. I was being bullied and hit on by my English teacher. Yeah. And so and so and so drinking and then I found meth with bunch of girls in high school and then it was off off and running. Right. 100%.

Now tell us uh you were in high school and it sounds to me when did you find this narcissistic boyfriend and end up on the streets? This was after high school. This was after high school. And I was already addicted to drugs and alcohol. And I found him. He was a drug dealer. Yeah. And I found him through drug addict in those homes where we all go and die. Yeah. That’s how I found him. And I remember thinking, Marcy, this is not my kind of guy. This is not someone I’m attracted to. I don’t I think he’s repulsive, actually. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Groomed me in, Marcy. He groomed me in from that moment that he was able to jump from the guitar to the piano to singing. I was like, and because everybody else wanted, everybody else was in awe of him, so he must be the thing. Well, he was the prize, right? Like that was one of the things like if I could, that’s like a way I had control. Like I would entice a man that I thought or a boy that I thought others wanted. And if if I ended up winning the boy, I won the prize. Yes, when it was that person was never really the prize. So I totally I can totally relate to that really.

So once you got out of this program, what was it like for you to remain? Did you remain sober? Yes, I did. I’ve been sober since I was 30 years old and I’m 53. Yeah. Incredible. So, what has helped you to sustain that sobriety support God the 12 steps recovery circles and and just I’m not going to lose. There’s a fight in me. There’s a fighter in me. I’m not going to pick up. I’m not going to give my power away. I rather be on the ground like in a fetal position crying my guts out than pick up. I’m not going to do it. I’m not giving myself We learned to live in the disease and feel the emotions. And one of the things that we talked we touched on was that that self-love, right? So that is what I have found through my healing is reconnecting to that little girl. Yes. finding the love for myself and who I am, prioritizing myself, finding confidence, setting my boundaries, finding my voice, right? And living in gratitude and and for me, God too is a huge part of remaining sober. Absolutely. Yeah. And like I was sharing with you, I’m almost 10 years sober.

So, let’s talk about the women that are listening, right? Maybe they’re still numbing. Um, and maybe it’s not even drugs, but but it’s wine, it’s work, it’s people pleasing, food, you know, just staying on that that hamster wheel just to never face anything. What would you say to them? You think what you’re doing is helping. You think numbing is supporting, but if you could see the other side of the rainbow of your true self, you would not touch any of those things. But you got to give yourself the time and that wakeup call. Wake up with Marcy. You got to give yourself that wakeup call because here’s what we don’t know is that there is a rainbow on the other side. It is more delicious. It’s It is more delicious on the other side. It is fulfilling. It is rewarding. It is what we’re looking for in all of these false powers, these false gods. Yeah. So, yeah, but you’re going to sit with the pain. There’s going to be pain of letting go and grieving what you used as a crutch. But if you sit and if you sit and go through the pain, you’ll get to the other side of this human being that God created that’s magnificent and brilliant and has greatness. Yes. Has greatness.

So you created the 12 steps for narcissistic abuse recovery and and I know you have other books also. Um, let’s talk about a narcissistic relationship because it’s very confusing, extremely damaging. So, what are some of the early signs someone may even be in one? Somebody that literally it’s stages. So the early stages is this person is going to show up in your life whether it’s a girlfriend, somebody on social media, a parent, romantic. I work with a lot of women in romantic but a lot with girlfriends too. It can be any anybody. It could be any. It could be a little lady in the in the grocery store. But they they somehow can smell maybe for like you and I talked about our wound of not being um of of needing that validation. They’re going to smell that wound and they’re going to go love it. They’re going to oint it. They’re going to love it. And so you’re going to think this is the person that has the answer for me or this is my soulmate. So they show up super fast, super intense and very intoxicating. Yeah, but it feels magical because it’s like in the beginning in the beginning those things that they loved about you slowly they turn on you th those things that they loved about you now they can’t stand and and that confusion and that cognitive dissonance is going to make you work harder and overfunction and overdo to go back to that original stage. So early stages. Oh, go ahead. No, they they always make you feel wrong, right? They make you feel something, they turn it back on you. Yes. And that’s the emotional abuse, the emotional manipulation that they make you feel like you did something wrong. It’s your fault. It’s always your fault. And so you’re always because you’re in emotional pain. You want to go back. You want to fix it. You want to go back. Let’s What do I need to do? What do I? And so you over function. You over function. Now they have they have you all of you. Yeah. Yeah. Like you love me so much. Why don’t you love me anymore? What did I do?

So why is it so hard to leave or even recognize that this is abuse? Because the thing called trauma bond, a trauma bond is is the addiction to a human being. And they create that create addiction because in the beginning there’s just like a drug. They’re they feel so good and loving and soft and safe and beautiful and magical. And then when it turns on you, when they turn on you, then you are now becoming addicted to them. And now everything in you that you needed for yourself is in their hands and in their power. And you can’t leave. You just can’t leave. No. No. Because you you you do you completely lose yourself. You really you do. You do. Would you say that addiction and narcissism like maybe you didn’t even have a problem but then you start self-medicating when you’re in a relationship like this? Absolutely. Um I work with women that come to me after 9 10 12 years of sobriety relapsed because of the relationship. And that’s what’s so undiagnosed. There’s a huge link that I’m starting to do more work and research on. There’s a huge link between relapse and relational trauma. And so they either pick up or they relapse. Why? Because the the the mental anguish and the emotional dependency and pain. They’re in constant pain and don’t understand because they’ve been groomed to think it’s their fault. So they need something to numb out. They need something to come back to life. They need some but they don’t understand it. They don’t see it.

So, how do you leave a narcissist? Yeah. Strategically. Strategically. I feel like they wouldn’t let you leave. No, they wouldn’t. And And in fact, in fact, they escalate their abuse when they find out that you’re leaving. So, you you have to do it strategically. You take a step back. This is I’m going to say it in a super fast way. There’s so much more in depth, but you start to work with someone that you that teaches you and guides you to strategically plan a life on the side, whether it’s like gift cards, money, something where they can’t trace. Now, I’m talking right now only romantic. There’s other approaches with other like boss, girlfriends, tribes that are all not, you know, so you strategically leave. Yeah. You build the life on the side. This is for the romantic one. You build the life on the side. So when you leave, it’s smooth. You get the support. You get the money. You get the strength. But by leaving out of anger and rage, you’re going to go back. It’s it doesn’t work. You have to do it strategically and know what you’re facing. Have a plan. Have a plan. Yeah. Yeah. And like you’re talking about like have those money cards on the side and and start putting money to the side so they don’t know and you have money and you’re not just leaving like you’re saying in anger.

So like for you, your life looks so different now, right? And and you know you are helping others. You’ve gotten out of it. you’ve lived it. You’re now like helping others. So, what’s possible for others uh on the other side of addiction and trauma? Like someone that that’s listening that feels like they’re never going to get out. I would say get the support, get the friends that will validate your truth. Mhm. Don’t go to therapists or counselors or anybody that’s not versed in these dynamics because they will gaslight you into staying and because you’ve lost yourself so much that you’re going to think you should believe a therapist or a doctor when they don’t even know what these dynamics are. Right. So, so find the support that is versed in these dynamics and and you’re right, you can’t leave unless you have the support and the language and the validation from someone that’s walked out of it. Yeah, that makes complete sense. Like you. So, can you tell us more about your book and and how you’re helping through the 12 steps of recovery from narcissistic abuse? Absolutely. That book is literally a navigation of my own internal healing, internal wounds, internal. It’s It’s all me. There’s no AI in it. Yeah, it’s all me and awesome. Yeah. And and being in a circle of 12step recovery myself in multiple ones. Yeah. Um with God, I literally sat down and created it for people that cannot get out, can’t afford therapists, can’t afford whatever they can at home. take themselves through this workbook and awaken to whatever they’re meant to awaken to. I mean, literally, this is therapy in a workbook as best as it can come because it does guide it guides you from the beginning to the end. Wow. So, I do have gives you that blueprint that you need to help yourself to get through this and know it’s possible.

And I just want to thank you so much for sharing your story, your message of hope and and for anyone out there. I mean, you can do this. You can do this. And and thank you for sharing your heart and your truth. And all of your information is going to be listed to below, but just tell us what’s the one place you spend most time. Where should people go? You could go to Instagram or YouTube. I’m starting to really grow on YouTube. Putting a lot of content out there. So, break free_ise andrebuild. So, literally, it’s for if you’re addiction, narcissistic abuse, you can break free. And my YouTube is the same. Yes. Yes. Fantastic. So to everyone out there, listen. If you’ve been struggling with guilt, shame, trauma, or self-doubt, I want you to hear this that you’re not alone. Your past does not define you. And it’s never too late to start again. And Isaiah, you are living proof of that. I am. Thank you. Thank you, Marcy. Thank you so much. Been beautiful. And to everyone out there, if this episode moved you, please take a moment to like, comment, share, or leave a review because that’s how these messages get spread. This lifechanging message for others that need to hear it. And if you want to go deeper in your healing journey, you can always connect with me at wakeuparcy.com. And thank you all again for tuning in, listening, watching, and we’ll see you next week. Have a great one. Bye. Bye.